5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
