omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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