I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
