i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
