According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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