Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
