my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
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