Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
