Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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