i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Randomize
