My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
so much tequila, so little girl.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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