if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
