I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you inspire me to be a worse person
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
