who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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