forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So. Much. Porn.
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