It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
