my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
