I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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