Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
