i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
