I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
