Who wears a wallet chain?!
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Randomize
