I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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