physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
