can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
