im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
