The maid of honor just puked.
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
