Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
