Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
