She is in my trunk
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
