I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Randomize
