and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I want a musical about memes.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
