I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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