theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
