Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
