did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Who did Billy Mays play for?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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