I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
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Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
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This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
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