Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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