my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
