Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
