i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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