Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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