Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Randomize
