yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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