Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
