i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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