just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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