R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
