I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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