also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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