I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
