I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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