I cannot find my penis.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Watching her eat just hurts me
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
