my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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