Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
