I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
