Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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